My confession

Well, this is a hard topic for me.

My confession is, I was very sick for awhile! I almost gave up on myself because I had hit rock bottom, I will not bore you, with the sad stuff, but I do have to explain some of my story to understand why I am the way I am, so here it goes:

I grew up in Bathurst NB with a younger brother and a fair size family of aunts, uncles, cousins etc! Growing up in Bathurst I was raised in a little fishing village that also thrived agriculturally and the people were so warm and friendly! You could trust your neighbors! Not to much crime happened!

Me and my brother where pretty lucky where we got to grow up. It was a safe place to be as a kid. This little place of heaven was called Salmon Beach.

On my dads side of the family, I have two beautiful aunts that lived very close to us and I was lucky to see them almost all the time.

They would bring so much JOY when they came to visit! I hope they know I miss them dearly and one day hope to see them again!

My grandmother and grandfather on my moms side had half an acre of land and to the right of them was the family orchard that had apples and plums trees. God we spent hours in that orchard playing and climbing on the old branches that would carry us from tree to tree, It was the life!

Directly across the road from my grandmas, my great grandmother and great grandfathers farm was situated on the shore side. This use to be my favorite corner of the world, and where my love of growing and harvesting your own clean food really started, hanging out in the gardens with my family!

Climbing the old apple tree's and picking the ripe plums!

Me and a younger cousin would pick and sell the berries, apples etc , at a table on the roadside. We made good money doing that off the farm! YES those were the days!

Sadly the elders are all passed away now except for a handful of aunts on both sides and I miss them dearly!

At the age of 16, I watched my aunt Judy on my moms side pass away from cancer, then 6 months after she passed away it was my boyfriends mom telling us she was dying of cancer.

My mother in law was a tuff one, we watched her fight cancer for almost 4 years. Then right after she passed away it was grandmother that was diagnosed with cancer.

I felt so guilty with my grandmother because I could not be strong enough for her and I was so emotionally taxed out buy then.

It was my entire high school I was watching my loved ones die around me! Ladies that I loved so much!

With little to no sleep I managed to still gradate, but it was not easy for me. I would spend nights next to a hospital bed or running around for kids, then I would sleep through my classes with hopes the teachers would give me a break! That break never came! I had to fight back every bit of sadness that was taking over to get that diploma!

I had to do an extra half a semester, no big deal, Right!

Then I got the news the friend that was in the same shoes as me, that was not graduating had passed away! She was suppose to be my support cause it literally was just me and her not graduating! On the positive note, I did not have to go shopping for funeral colors!

Ironic as my life goes! She got hit that summer buy a police car crossing a crosswalk and our local funeral home was divided into two that summer, one was my high school friend that just got hit buy a police officer, and the other was my great grandmothers funeral. Yeah when it rain , it pours!

The funeral home had been divided up between two rooms and I bounced back and forth paying my respects to both my friend and my great grandma, I got he evil eye from my family because I was not there at times!

BUT with all that going on in my life, I still graduated amazingly! I received my diploma with mostly strangers around me! Yeah, it was bitter sweat to say the least! BUT I DID IT!

I believed I could do anything right then and there I was so proud of myself for not giving up!

When my mother in law passed away she had two younger kids that were just starting high school so me and my boyfriend at the time took over and fresh out of high school, we took his two siblings on. So we both found work at a local McDonald's were I busted my ass off, for the next five years.

In the first three months working, I was given employee of the month, Then the first year working, I made employee of the year. Out of hundreds of employee's, I was the only one to get employee of the year, their first year on the job! I never felt so proud of myself in my life, after all the hard work. I finally felt like I was going somewhere!

Since I could not afford our find time for college, I poured every thing into the McDonalds job, while taking care of two high school students. I failed to mention that one of the kids had Cystic Fibrosis and was also in and out of the hospital. My goal was to apply for a manager position with high hopes of a better pay and a better life. Sadly one of my trainees that I trained, that was younger then me got the job ironic as it was and that's when life just kept getting harder for me.

The kids graduated and moved on and then the relationship with my ex took a turn for the worse and we split. I began parting really, really hard. Finally for once I was able to do something for me and not worry about anyone else and I lost who I worked so hard to be!

I feel apart .....

I began a head first spiral and I found Alcohol.

The next 6 years.....